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He hit me
One of the problems in marital relationships is the husband hitting the wife. The question is, what to do when it happens. One answer is to put up with it for the sake of marriage and children. Another is to file for divorce. Both of these answers are extreme, at the opposite end of the spectrum. There are many more shades and nuances in between. Your answer should depend on those shades and nuances, which only you know. Here we like to offer some help to recognize those nuances, interpret them, and take the appropriate course of action. 'Course' is the keyword here. You would not and should not take abrupt action. You should let the emotions calm down and let careful consideration guide you.

First of all, when something bad happens to you, your sanity, ability to think straight and the concept of big picture of life gets dented. Before you decide on any course of action, you should restore your sanity and ability to think straight. We hope what you read here will help you in that direction.

So, let us look at the big picture. When you are hurt, your mind may push you to demonize your husband or worse, the entire male species or the institution of marriage itself. You have to push back. Your goal should be to 'assess' the situation, not to 'demonize' the person. You should assess your husband, marriage, your situation, both of your personalities, other things like your finances, your in-laws, your age, and so on, and then decide a course of action.

Here is a formula, which we call 50-40-10, that you should think of. 50% of the marriages go smooth without any problem. 'He hit me' is never a problem in those marriages. In 40% of marriages, it happens because of various factors, but then things will ease out. Then, there are the 10% of the marriages, wherein it is serious a problem, that requires the intervention of psychologists and courts. Your biggest challenge is to decide whether your marriage falls in the 40% category or the 10% category. If it falls in the 40%, but if you think it falls in the 10%, you would be harming your marriage and yourself. If it falls in the 10%, but you think it falls in the 40%, you will be harming yourself to save the marriage. So, we discuss hear a few points that could be of some help in coming to a proper conclusion.

One thing interesting you want to know is that, not only men hit their wives, but women also hit their husbands. This is not commonly known, but well known to counselors. So, do not let the thought of 'male species is evil' eat your mind away. The social media essays on patriarchy, male dominance, narcissism, are of no help to you to assess your specific situation. You get attracted to them because they make you feel good at the expense of your own, possibly normal future.

It is said that the tongue is the weapon of women and the hand is the weapon of men. People use their weapons under frustration, irritation, helplessness, in the heat of the moment, and occasionally under the influence of others. This is what happens in that 40% of marriages. If it is one of those reasons, you should consider it an unfortunate part of life, but not worth liquidating the marriage. Think of this. Your otherwise sweet child could also sometimes get on your nerves. What can you do? Your teenage son or daughter can also become absolutely intolerable. What can you do? Do you disown them? No. You should do the same to your husband. You won't disown your people because of their acts if they happen out of human fallibility. You would help and give time to grow out of them. Consider yourself as the grown-up and the other as 'growing'. That restores your self-esteem and self-confidence. It gives you hope and patience. It allows you to focus on the sequence of events, situations, etc., that lead him to use his weapon. You should check if he is facing pressure at work. You should check if he is troubled with something that he is not able to express, articulate or reconcile. Try to engage him in conversations. Make him feel comfortable sharing things with you. Then he will find a friend in you. Once he finds a friend in you, he simply cannot use his weapon against you.

Legal systems declare that on the day we turn eighteen, we become adults. But that is only legally, but not psychologically. Psychologists say that we mature psychologically only at the age of 45. Till then, we are still 'growing'. When you see yourself as 'growing' and the other person also as 'growing', you will be kind to your own follies and the other person's follies. Otherwise, your mind, to satisfy the ego', keeps on telling you that you are a bundle of virtues and the other person is a bag of vices. It will slide you into playing the 'victim card'. It will push you to seek 'justice'. Your parents, siblings, and friends try to support you and bash him. Sympathy is a sweet poison. The more you get, the more you want. The more you get, the more you feel you are right and the other person is wrong. You will push your marriage from the 40% to the 10%, by handling the issue inappropriately.

Bottom line, do to your husband what you would to your child who is having a behavioral problem. See whether you can change your approach, your own behavior, or your attitude that helps things get better. Don't focus on avoiding your husband. Focus on avoiding the situations or things that lead up to it. Give a couple of years for things to get better. Let your own efforts, and improving situations or circumstances solve the problem. Conclude that your marriage belongs to the 10%, only after doing your best. Once you are sure that it is in the 10% category, present him the only two choices left, to go to a psychologist or to go to the court. But think a hundred times from a hundred angles before declaring to yourself that your marriage is in the 10% category. Statistically speaking, if your marriage is four times more likely to fall in the 40% category. Keep that in mind. Trust in your abilities. Not in weakening and breaking up your marriage, but in strengthening it and making it work.