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A letter from the son to the mother
Let me come straight to the point. The dissonance in your relationship with your daughter-in-law is evident. I know she would like me to side with her and you would like me to side with you.
You are dear to me, for you are my mother who gave birth to me, who nursed me and raised me. Your happiness is important to me. My wife is also dear to me, for she is my wife and she left her mother and father and came to live with me for the rest of her life. Her happiness is my responsibility. I am at a loss what to do, with the two of you who are dear to me not having a good relationship.
I have tried in the past to help both of you reconcile and stop hurting each other and develop a cordial relationship. But, unfortunately, nothing worked. Further, in my frustration, I have said harsh things to her, and sometimes, to you as well. I regret such occurrences, but there is no way I can prevent them from repeating when things exacerbate.
So things must be handled differently than they are now. First, let me say the epiphany I had recently. When things go too bad, she has MUCH to lose than you do. Her future and her married life are at stake if she gets disillusioned with this marriage or with me. Fortunately, you don't have such an ominous prospect. Your marriage is matured and you have my father, your husband, beside you. Whereas, her marriage is still maturing. I need to give her the confidence that I am beside her, having usurped her from her parents' house.
Hence going forward, this is what I would suggest, to handle things: Whenever a fight erupts between you and her, you go to your husband and he will comfort, console and advise you, and she will come to me and I will do the same, comfort, console and advise her.
Both of us, father and I, by standing by our respective wives would be doing exactly what marital relationship demands. And as far as reconciliation between you and her is concerned, I will leave it to both of you. Both of you are adults. Whatever happiness or sadness Providence has in store for you, will be yours.
Neither do I want to throw myself into the strained relationship between two women, nor can I help it in any way, as experience shows. So, this is the best course of action for now, as far as I can think. I will comfort, console, and advise her and let father do the same to you.